Anika, A Tribute, cont.

The day we found out at school that Anika died, I remember the whole thing feeling unreal, like it was more a part of a movie than actuality.  That she would not be here tomorrow, would not be walking in the halls tomorrow was unfathomable.  I think that’s why we had so many kids fainting.  It’s unfathomable–sudden death of a young person, of a young and lovely soul, of a dear friend to many.

For some reason, one of my first responses besides disbelief was one of anger.  Like I felt this slight direction in me that accused her of doing something stupid that brought her life to an end.  Which shames me that I made such a judgment. I was thinking as a teacher, one who expects certain lines to be colored within. Because Anika did not color between the lines, I had this worry that life would eat her up.  I was concerned for her future.  I acquainted being a good student–the chase-the-carrot-type-student–with success, and I worried for hers.

So I thought she must have done something crazy that brought this on.  Got mixed up with the wrong people.  Did something foolish.  I immediately associated her death with blame.

That was wrong, for who can blame another without knowing? And why blame anyone whose life is cut short and whose life while lived had such great beauty in it?

I apologize for making a judgment before an acceptance.  Anika, you were a smile, and a hope, and a kind person.  You were always, always kind to me, and that is a gift in my life that I owe you.

I will make one more post on this tomorrow.